It is different. It's not the same as with my bonded, or with yours, or even that specific feeling you have with Natsuru. It's not really the same as a basic student and mentor relationship either, even if that might have been how it started.
But it's still really strong.
What word comes to mind when you think of it, Monika?
[It doesn't take long before she's knocking on the door to Ursula's room, their "usual" meeting spot. She's been there countless times, but doesn't quite let herself in like before.
[ Unease is a word for it. Ursula felt like she was handling something supremely delicate and fragile, and had no idea where to proceed from where they were. But she also knew this wasn't something she could reasonably delay or ignore, either. More than anything, to do so would be cruel to Monika, something she could never bring herself to even consider...
She opens the door with a mirrored trepidation to Monika's, just... looking at her for a moment before reaching to pull her in, not quite for a hug, but... still an embrace of sorts, just wanting to assure Monika that no matter where this conversation went... she'd still have that. ]
[Being held in her arms like that is a comfort to her all the same. Though it's one of the rare moments where the embrace doesn't quite set her at ease. Monika had initiated this conversation to find understanding and piece of mind. Yet it seemed like they were both only grown further away from her reach.
Her mind was already racing to imagine what kind of outcome this would all have.]
Thank you for, um, wanting to keep talking about this.
I'm always willing to talk to you, Monika, about anything. You don't have to thank me...
[ The fact that she could say that with confidence despite how anxious the entire situation was... probably held within it an answer, but one that was difficult to put to words. ]
[It was like she could read her mind. That's how well Ursula knew her, and part of the reason they were even having this conversation. The embrace felt nice, just like always, but she pulled away after a few moments and made her way inside to their usual spot proper. She took a seat, trying to make it seem like she wasn't nervous about this.
Though it was obvious by the way she kept fidgeting, and even trembling.]
S-So, uh, you thought that we should, um... continue this here, right?
[ Ursula backed away from her a step, shifting to clasp her hands in front of her, anxiously brushing her thumb over her own knuckles. ]
'Ursula Callistis'... isn't my real name. As a... whole identity, it's something of a work of fiction I created as a means of... moving on from a very difficult time in my life.
[ Well, the truth was more that she was hiding from that time in her life, but that was something even she still had trouble confronti ]ng.
[Monika just stared, speechless at what she'd just heard.]
It's not your real name?
[When Ursula had said that there were things she needed to know about her, this wasn't quite what she had in mind. She was surprised, to be sure, but there was clearly more to this story.]
[ ... Ursula's hands wringed even more, her breaths shallow as she tried to keep herself calm. She knew she was needing to tread carefully. ]
Chariot... Chariot du Nord. That's... that's the name my parents gave me. The one I went by for, well... most of my life.
It's... [ Another shaky sigh, anxiousness making her entire form shiver. ]
The reason I use a pseudonym is because I did... s-something in my past that... I'm not ready to confront. 'Ursula' was a means of coping with that, and... giving myself a new start in my life.
[ But that was changing. Slowly it was changing. Ramesses, Fang, Kaede, they'd all been helping her reconcile herself, to face her guilt and shine more sincerely once more like the star she was named after. Whether she'd realized it or not, she'd been 'shining' for some time for Monika. She deserved to know the truth. ]
B-but knowing what you think of me... it wasn't fair that you didn't know my real name, or...
[ Slowly, slate blue hair began to fade away from her head, from the tips up to her crown, bit by bit, revealing a brilliant vermilion in its wake. ]
[The name stayed fresh in her mind as she repeated it to herself over and over again.
It was knowing this about her that really shed some light on the whole "changing hair" part. Not just because of magic, but because it was a whole different identity.
What Chariot told her, about wanting to distance oneself from their past... It resonated greatly with Monika. She could understand that need so very well. Wanting to start fresh in life, even now...
Hello, Monika... [ Chariot returned that smile with one of her own, lip quivering slightly as she finally let go of her own hands, pulling off her hat with one and straightening out her skirt with the other, letting out a long, nervous sigh. ]
The reality is... it's ultimately just a name and appearance. 'Ursula' as an identity is still... me. I'm still the anxious, clumsy disaster you've known this whole time. Whatever... 'shine', 'Chariot' used to have is... dim, now, and no change of name really brings it back but...
[ A deep breath. ]
I've seen you shine so, so brightly since you came here, and it's... inspired me to shine a little bit more, myself. So if you want... if you want to think of me as something close, something like...
Like family...
Then...
[ Then what? She was barely managing to put her words together here. ]
[Frankly, Monika could've used any number of words and "disaster" wouldn't have even been on the list. Yet all thoughts were interrupted once she heard that one specific word once again.
Family.
It made her heartbeat quicken to the point where it would've burst from her chest.]
I...
[She didn't even know the full story. Neither of them did.
There were things about themselves that they had yet to truly reveal to one another. And maybe... they never would.
[ Chariot pulled Monika in for another embrace, this time much tighter, stronger, all of her love and gratitude for the girl pouring through in the motion, pushing as much of her heart into it as she could. ]
I would to... I really would... I'll call you family, Monika, again and again...
[ Her own words were shaking, trembling with tremendous glee and some tears of her own. ]
I... think that may be for the best. [ The logical side of her insisted it was because she was 'established' as Ursula in the world outside of her private life. But the truth was more that she was a coward... ]
But... if you'd like, you can take either of my surnames. That is if it's something you'd want to do!
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
How do you mean? [ Get some clarification. See where she's headed. ]
no subject
You're always helping and supporting me.
It can be the middle of the night, and you'll still be willing to make time for me.
I can be hitting my lowest point, but you're always there to help lift me back up.
Whenever you're around... I just feel safe.
And protected.
no subject
Friends can do all of those things, Monika. Teachers, too. But from the impression I'm getting it feels like
more
to you, right?
no subject
We don't really have a bond.
And it's different than what I have with Natsuru.
You don't really feel the same way?
no subject
It is different. It's not the same as with my bonded, or with yours, or even that specific feeling you have with Natsuru. It's not really the same as a basic student and mentor relationship either, even if that might have been how it started.
But it's still really strong.
What word comes to mind when you think of it, Monika?
no subject
A guardian? But that doesn't feel right either. It's too formal.
I don't really know where I was going with this.
I shouldn't have said anything, I'm sorry.
no subject
Are you saying you think of me as your guardian? But you find that too formal, correct?
Is it possible you think of me as
family?
no subject
The word stirs something within Monika. A feeling of warmth and comfort, not unlike what she usually feels whenever she's around Ursula.
Though the feelings are familiar, what really catches her attention is...]
I've never had a family before, and I don't really have anything to compare it to.
[Even so, she hasn't yet rejected the idea.]
no subject
I feel like we should be having this conversation in person.
no subject
[It doesn't take long before she's knocking on the door to Ursula's room, their "usual" meeting spot. She's been there countless times, but doesn't quite let herself in like before.
The conversion still has her feeling uneasy.]
no subject
She opens the door with a mirrored trepidation to Monika's, just... looking at her for a moment before reaching to pull her in, not quite for a hug, but... still an embrace of sorts, just wanting to assure Monika that no matter where this conversation went... she'd still have that. ]
no subject
Her mind was already racing to imagine what kind of outcome this would all have.]
Thank you for, um, wanting to keep talking about this.
no subject
[ The fact that she could say that with confidence despite how anxious the entire situation was... probably held within it an answer, but one that was difficult to put to words. ]
no subject
[It was like she could read her mind. That's how well Ursula knew her, and part of the reason they were even having this conversation. The embrace felt nice, just like always, but she pulled away after a few moments and made her way inside to their usual spot proper. She took a seat, trying to make it seem like she wasn't nervous about this.
Though it was obvious by the way she kept fidgeting, and even trembling.]
S-So, uh, you thought that we should, um... continue this here, right?
[So obvious.]
no subject
Before we go any further at all, there's... a few things you should know about me.
[ To say the least. ]
no subject
What is it?
[She had no idea.]
no subject
[ Ursula backed away from her a step, shifting to clasp her hands in front of her, anxiously brushing her thumb over her own knuckles. ]
'Ursula Callistis'... isn't my real name. As a... whole identity, it's something of a work of fiction I created as a means of... moving on from a very difficult time in my life.
[ Well, the truth was more that she was hiding from that time in her life, but that was something even she still had trouble confronti ]ng.
no subject
It's not your real name?
[When Ursula had said that there were things she needed to know about her, this wasn't quite what she had in mind. She was surprised, to be sure, but there was clearly more to this story.]
So what exactly is it?
no subject
Chariot... Chariot du Nord. That's... that's the name my parents gave me. The one I went by for, well... most of my life.
It's... [ Another shaky sigh, anxiousness making her entire form shiver. ]
The reason I use a pseudonym is because I did... s-something in my past that... I'm not ready to confront. 'Ursula' was a means of coping with that, and... giving myself a new start in my life.
[ But that was changing. Slowly it was changing. Ramesses, Fang, Kaede, they'd all been helping her reconcile herself, to face her guilt and shine more sincerely once more like the star she was named after. Whether she'd realized it or not, she'd been 'shining' for some time for Monika. She deserved to know the truth. ]
B-but knowing what you think of me... it wasn't fair that you didn't know my real name, or...
[ Slowly, slate blue hair began to fade away from her head, from the tips up to her crown, bit by bit, revealing a brilliant vermilion in its wake. ]
The whole of me.
no subject
[The name stayed fresh in her mind as she repeated it to herself over and over again.
It was knowing this about her that really shed some light on the whole "changing hair" part. Not just because of magic, but because it was a whole different identity.
What Chariot told her, about wanting to distance oneself from their past... It resonated greatly with Monika. She could understand that need so very well. Wanting to start fresh in life, even now...
Gosh, they really were similar, weren't they?
In the end, Monika just offered a little smile.]
Hi Chariot! I'm Monika.
It's nice to meet you.
no subject
The reality is... it's ultimately just a name and appearance. 'Ursula' as an identity is still... me. I'm still the anxious, clumsy disaster you've known this whole time. Whatever... 'shine', 'Chariot' used to have is... dim, now, and no change of name really brings it back but...
[ A deep breath. ]
I've seen you shine so, so brightly since you came here, and it's... inspired me to shine a little bit more, myself. So if you want... if you want to think of me as something close, something like...
Like family...
Then...
[ Then what? She was barely managing to put her words together here. ]
no subject
Family.
It made her heartbeat quicken to the point where it would've burst from her chest.]
I...
[She didn't even know the full story. Neither of them did.
There were things about themselves that they had yet to truly reveal to one another. And maybe... they never would.
But in the end, wasn't that fine?
Monika trusted her, unconditionally.]
I'd like that.
I'd like that a lot!
[Tears were starting to form in her eyes.
Tears of joy.]
no subject
I would to... I really would... I'll call you family, Monika, again and again...
[ Her own words were shaking, trembling with tremendous glee and some tears of her own. ]
no subject
For this.
And for everything.
[She just felt an overwhelming sense of calm and... relief, to know that they both felt this way.
Monika wanted the moment to last forever.
The two of them had shared a countless numbers of hugs and embraces, yet this one... This first hug after finally defining their relationship.
It felt special in a way that words couldn't and didn't need to describe.]
Um, should I still call you Ursula out in public?
no subject
But... if you'd like, you can take either of my surnames. That is if it's something you'd want to do!
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)